I love movies. I try and get out to the films that are lauded by the critics and cinephiles while bringing in the Oscar nominations. Lord knows I love action packed blockbusters. Growing up a comic fan and Sci-Fi fantasy fan, I’ve been in with the new pop culture obsession with these movies that have come to dominate our summers. Even when they are flawed, I can almost always find redeeming qualities to focus on and enjoy myself.

I wouldn’t say that I had real high expectations for The Lone Ranger, but  I dig westerns, I dig Johnny Depp and many of his eccentric characters and I have no idea who Armie Hammer is. So, I was in expecting it to be fun at the very least. But it was not.

It was long, very long and it was awkward, kind of racist and full of death in an oddly unsettling way. I mean there are scores of Native Americans  massacred and its treated like a weightless sidebar, as its juxtaposed with a pratfallish escape scene. I don’t know if I found it so disturbing because of the context free, emotionless killings or because it was in a movie marketed to children and their families.

Also, I get the impression that no one found this at all racist. Johnny Depp was one of the better parts of the film, and they did attempt to explain away the broken English he speaks … but still. Twenty years after Dances with Wolves and Last of the Mohicans drew great attention for starring actual Native Americans in their portrayals, we couldn’t find a single talent to play this starring role? We had to revert to a white dude in red f … er, white face? If not racist, it’s certainly disappointing.

And who the hell is Armie Hammer and why is someone trying to convince me he is a movie star? I do not believe it and I am not alone. He has very little charisma, poor comic timing and does nothing to carry this movie. In a movie full of explosions and reckless mayhem I would have expected to prefer the character who dislikes guns and vigilantism, but no. He seems heartless and tongue in cheek in a non self-aware way that is totally out of place in a movie where everyone else attempts to act like their in a modern movie.

I thought Battleship was bad, I was right, but this floptacular bastard at least had a chance before it derailed into an offensive, inexplicably boring failure.